Hmm hmm hmm. I can't decide if I actually want to write this post. I may go back and rewrite it.
Well..here goes!
So the other day I was lucky enough to get ahold of a lost journal from a year ago (YAY!). I flipped through it, smiled a little at all of my worries and excitements, and paused at one entry. It was me thinking about a time back in middle school when I was riding the school bus:
"Most mornings I sat next to a girl (who was older, she was in high school, whoa! haha!) whose family had just moved into the neighborhood....She was telling me a story about her mom, then stopped and asked, 'Would you like to see a picture?' She pulled out her cell phone and showed me a picture.
I honestly didn't mean to, but when I saw that picture I drew back, shocked. The girl wasn't very attractive, but her mom was ugly.
The girl laughed at my reaction and said, "Yep. She's scary-looking, huh?' Then she continued her story after I, embarrassed, protested [her statement].
Ugliness is such a strange idea.
I hate society's expectation of/value of beauty, yet I know I'm all wrapped up in it too. I wish [list of things I wished were different about how I look].
I was [taken aback] back the picture of that girls' mom....
We have to get past looks, good or bad, to see through to personality. To see the person behind the face or body.
It is weird that something, supposedly so insignificant [in the long run], like looks, could ever have become so important.
I wish it weren't.
And yet, here I am. Wishing I was prettier. Wondering why I care."
Reading that entry, by a slightly younger me, made me stop for a moment.
I realized how some of my ideas about beauty have changed, since I wrote this entry, and since I was sitting on that school bus.
(That is the point of me writing this post. Not to explore a personal journey through insecurity and bring pity haha. But to follow a thought about beauty and what that means!)
So many times, I've found myself wishing I could make others understand how important and lovely they were; they didn't need to be intimidated by anyone else.
Then I'd turn around and silently hate myself for some aspect of my own physical appearance.
Not obsessively. Just little digs.
Weird, huh??
One of my breakthroughs came at a political summer camp called Girl's State. There were thousands of girls there. There were gorgeous women all around.
That was a bit intimidating to me. But then I noticed something: that girl over
there is gorgeous, and so is that girl over
here. Yet, they look nothing like each other.
Epiphany: there are so many kinds of beautiful!
I am not perfect at loving myself now, but even with the leaps and bounds I have made, I feel so much happier! Which leads me to a nice little tangent haha:
Just because you would like to change something doesn't mean you have to hate where you are currently at.
That seems a little backwards, eh? Cuz if you didn't dislike the status of the current situation, what would motivate you to work at changing it?
Make sure you know where you are directing the discontent or hate!
Don't settle for staying stuck in conditions you dislike, but come to terms with yourself in the meantime.
If you are failing at something, it is ok to be uncomfortable or frustrated with that. But stop wasting time getting frustrated at yourself, and work to change whatever is wrong!
(Not to keep adding disclaimers to anything, but I also don't mean that we should always be trying to change our body. Realize what is important, what matters. Like health. Work towards that. Other things like feeling good and confident come too.)
You've probably heard this before, but a talk with a friend once really drove this point home:
If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, don't worry about it.
If you can change it, then there is no need to worry, rather, a need to work.
Easier said than done in a lot of circumstances, I know. But it is an attitude that makes life a lot less stressful!
:)
